Pissing In Cheerios

So, what sucks more than roaches? Fruit flies.

See, in AZ we don’t have roaches. Or at least, if we do they probably resemble scorpions. But what we apparently do have is fruit flies. I get them every once in awhile, thanks to children who are messy and drop fruit/food everywhere. But alas, I can not blame them this time [or can I?]

With my lack of heat, the fruit flies are flocking to my apartment like, well flies on shit. Only they are flies on bananas. Which probably tastes better than shit [not that I know from personal experience].

Now, because my @#$%R^$#%^!#!$ maintenance men have yet to decide that air conditioning is important for me, I have a gazillion fruit flies hovering over a bunch of bananas I bought as recently as yesterday. Were I able to close my doors without dying from dehydration, these little fuckers with wings might die off, but alas, not until manana [that’s what the little mexican guy said: “we come back manana senorita”]

I don’t really have a problem with bugs either. I mean, they are part of the natural order, but fruit flies have beady little red eyes. They are like the rats of insects. Sneaky little fuckers, just waiting for you to drop a load of fruit on the counter and POOF, there they are, hovering over them like old bitty gossipers.

I hate them and I wish they would go away. And I want my AC!!!! Dammit all to #$$#@#$%^@%$.

Dear Maintenance People and others in the Leasing Office:

My ass is hot, my eyelashes are sweating and my toenails are melting. I would love to have my air conditioner working again before the weekend is over. Considering that I have two small children and a dog, I would think it might be of importance to you that they not die from dehydration as I would sue your asses up and down the west coast. Arizona is fucking hot and air conditioning should be mandatory. Ergo, you should bring your dirty asses over here and work on my a/c.

Also, the little mexican guy that lives below me smokes cigarettes every 3.14 seconds and it gets annoying when I have a huge gaping hole between my front door and the door frame, so that the smoke comes in and strangulates my nostrils and other various body parts.

I would prefer that I not have to pay $708 every month for a shitty apartment, stupid neighbors who drink beer like its water and attempt to engage me in neighborly conversation while they stand too close, invading my personal space. You can rest assured I will be leaving in September when my lease is up, and I will be sure and recommend your apartment complex to people who have a death wish and maybe to my worst enemies.

I expect to have my a/c working by tonight. Or I will beat you with my giant utensils and rub peanut butter on your balls so my dog chews them up like his dentabones. Thanks very kindly.

Your pissed off bitchy resident in building 27,

Me

p.s. I hate you all and think you should stop digging in the trash.

Because I am a heathen and find this stuff sadistically addicting, I am forcing it upon you as well.

I love Pilz-E. You should too, dammit.

FAH-Q (fŭk kyōō) or Frequent Ass-Holish Questions

1. Do you really piss in cheerios?

No, I prefer Frosted Flakes because that fucking Tiger really grrrrrates on my nerves.

2. Are you really a professional ninja?

Yes, and me and my ninja clan have been staking out your family’s house for 3 days. Be prepared.

3. Aren’t you also the founder of Phattitudes.com, a positive, personal growth website? How can you be so hypocritical?

Because that’s the way the Cheerios crumble bitchface. But also, because I can and you can’t, so stop whining and get over it. Also, shut up.

4. Don’t you think you’re setting a bad example for your kids? And for all children?

No. But I think you are for being such a wussyfied baby.

5. Some of the stuff you say is politcally incorrect and downright cruel. Aren’t you worried about what Jesus thinks of you?

No conozco a Jesús. Lo siento. [Translated = Jesus blows, Fuck off]. I don’t believe in fairy tale crap like Jesus and God and the Easter Bunny. Total waste of time. So don’t even bother thumping me with your ever-popular fiction novels - aka the bible. I burn bibles to stay warm in the winter.

6. You’re going to Hell. Repent for your sins now SINNER!!!

If by hell you mean that midget strip bar down the street, then yes. And if by repent you mean let a lesbian midget lick salt off my nipples when we do tequila shots, then okay, I will.

7. Is anything safe from your scorn and blasphemous comments?

No. Well, except my first child whom I miscarried when I was 7. I keep her in a jar under my pillow.

8. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Alive

9. Can I ask yo–

NO! Shut up.

It’s a figure of speech. I made it up myself, coined it because I tend to suffer from chronic verbal diarrhea and it hasn’t always had a great effect on people. I guess people just don’t like the truth. They want you to lie. You ask me if you look fat in those jeans but you don’t want me to say yes, do you? It’s not that you don’t want me to be honest, but you don’t want to look fat in those jeans, and so, if I’m honest and tell you it looks like cottage cheese is trying to squeeze through the seams, you aren’t going to be too happy with me, are you?

Eh, the way I see it, we really only get one shot at life. Why waste it not being true to yourself? You don’t have to be cruel, but sometimes the truth hurts. Why should I go through life lying to make other people feel good about the farce of their own lives? I’m all about humanity and kindness but I also think we are a spoiled people, too sensitive to withstand honesty. Well I’m not aiding and abetting that behavior anymore. You ask me a question, I’ll tell you my honest opinion, no holds barred. Even if it means I’m pissing in someone’s cheerios.

Why? Because I give a squat…