Pissing In Cheerios

Don’t look at me like that.

I mean, they fool you, those fluttery little bastards. But butterflies, they are evil. Horrifically evil in the most unspeakable of ways. But I’m going to speak about it anyways, so maybe that last part isn’t as true as I led you to believe. But, just because I lied about it being unspeakable does not mean I’m lying now. Trust me when I say what I’m about to tell you is the absolute truth. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask my good friend Kyle, of My Nuts Itch fame, who happens to subscribe to the same belief.

Butterflies are maniacally malicious and here to kill off mankind. Yup, it’s true. Don’t ask how I know this, for my sources ask to remain anonymous, but I can assure you that there are covert operations underway as we speak to protect the human race from those evil, fluttering terrorists.

Let me give you a little rundown:

First of all, have you ever watched a butterfly fly? They never fly in a straight line. Helloooo! SUSPICIOUS!!! This leads me to believe they are consistently drunk. We all know you can’t trust drunks. Those fucking winged bastards are lushes to the highest degree.

Secondly, what’s with this cocoon shit? Why all the privacy, huh? Huh? Why can’t you be like the tadpole and change in public, where we can see you? And I’m sorry, but there’s no way you can go from ugly, green grub to beautiful butterfly. Not even The Swan could do that kind of makeover miracle.

And C, have you ever noticed how fucking hard it is to catch a damn butterfly? I mean, what the fuck? They fly like an average of 15 mph, and we can’t fucking catch them without a net? Doesn’t that seem a tad suspicious? Hmm?

Area 51? That’s not about aliens. It’s about butterflies! Think about it… what’s with the chaos theory aka the butterfly effect? Huh? It’s built on the belief that a butterfly’s wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately cause a tornado to appear (or prevent a tornado from appearing).

Katrina? Blame it on the butterflies!!! [FYI, butterflies hate black people]

2004 Tsunami? BUTTERFLIES!!!!!!!! [I guess butterflies hate Asians too]

Minnesota Bridge Collapse?! You guessed it, bastardflies!!! [Well, who doesn’t hate the Vikings?]

Global Warming? Butterflies! [P.S. Al Gore is a butterfly]

1989 World Series SF Earthquake? Well, that was plate tectonics but I bet we can find some link to butterflies if we try hard enough.

I’m telling you people, butterflies are vile, savage beasts hell-bent on destroying us. They are terrorists and must be hunted and stopped. Wake up people and realize the truth that is right in front of your face!!!

Destroy the BUTTERFLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This entry was posted on Friday, September 21st, 2007 at 3:57 pm and is filed under Ranting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.