Pissing In Cheerios

Where have I been this past month you ask?

On hiatus, attempting to find employment that will feed my children and still support my Jager and Altoids habit.

The job market is brutal. But if I’ve learned anything these past few weeks, it’s that eventually you find a female boss hard up enough for sex that she will let you rub her hooha to gain a few bucks more an hour. Of course, now I’m stuck shaving her during my lunch break. FYI - Pubes and Oodles of Noodles do not mix.

Let me just say I love taking questionnaires during job interviews. Please, give me more questions!

Here’s a sample of some questions I had to answer this past month and what my replies were.

1. You have an altercation with a client or customer. They are wrong but our company has a lot of money invested with them. What do you do to resolve the matter? [This is too easy]

Send over a box of chocolates and flowers to their office, apologizing… and conveniently forget to add that they are laxatives, not chocolates.

2. You have two hours to finish your project, but you haven’t had a lunch yet. Your stomach is rumbling. If you take a lunch, you won’t finish your project and will be penalized. If you don’t, you’ll be violating company policy. What do you do?

Order some Chinese food and make the Asian guy do my project.

3. Your check reflects a bonus you weren’t meant to receive for an account you never handled. Do you keep it and cash your check, or take it to your supervisor and show honesty?

I spend it, then tell my supervisor after I bring in a Prada bag knock off as a bribe gift.

4. You had a fight with your girlfriend/boyfriend this morning and have been distracted all day. She/he is calling your cell phone and you want to answer it but the district manager is near. How do you handle the situation?

I stop dating transsexuals. She-he’s are always so feisty.

5. Jane is stealing pens. You have watched her take several boxes of pens out of the supply closet and hide them in her purse. What do you do?

Ask her to hand me the fax machine and some Sharpies next trip to the supply closet.

I guess I don’t have to tell you that these answers did not help me get those jobs. Neither did the handjobs and bribes. People are just so tough these days. But my boss lady, Bertha, she took a shine to me.

So, now I’ll be bringing home the bacon. Mostly because she makes me spank her with raw bacon every morning before work… and if I leave it in my desk overnight, it smells bad.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 12th, 2007 at 7:20 am and is filed under Ranting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.